Today's topic: Two office personalities. (Perhaps among other things)
With my limited work within the place I work I would say that there are two major personality types within the workplace with regards to work delegation. The first are what I call equalists and the other are elitists.
I generically come into contact with work from about 5 different people in the office on a regular basis. We'll call everyone by their real names, just to make it interesting. The elitists I will call Person A and Person B (these are their real names...) and the equalists I will call Person 1, Person 2, and Person 3 (Again, these are their real names).
First I'll focus on the differences between the two. The equalists are the people who will give work to you because they don't have all the time in the world to complete the work they have. However, when they do give you work, they complete it as best as they can before they pass it on. The best instance of this comes with dealing with Purchase Orders. I used to have to copy the purchase orders, stamp the copies and the originals with different stamps, enter an online IM ticket system and make an entry, then send the copies to accounting and file the originals. Well, the powers that be decided that the only thing that needed to be done with those purchase orders was to staple them and file them. This turned a 10-step process into a 3-step process. The first step is the stapling, the second step is the hole-punching, and the third step is the actual filing in the filing room. The equalists will at least staple the Purchase Orders (POs) before passing them on to me. Sometimes I'll get POs that have been stapled AND hole punched. This makes my job so much easier. All I have to do is walk to the filing room and put them in the proper binder. Person 2 and Person 3 do this all the time.
The elitists are people who feel that anything not in their job description somehow feels "beneath" them and they do not want to do it. Thus they delegate it to someone else. When I get POs from the elitist, the person doesn't even bother to take the 5 seconds it would take to staple both corners of the PO before putting it in the filing inbox. She paper clips it. There is a slight chance that she has not gotten the memo that POs no longer need to be photocopied (even I didn't know it for a while) and she still is within that mentality. But I would imagine that the other two equalists who work on the POs with her would have told her. So that is what gives rise to my impression that she (I will now refer to her as Person B) is an elitist.
Now, POs aren't the only thing in which I experience elitist and equalist behavior. The Person A and Person 1 are reserved for this area since they are the highest up in the management structure (or at least as I understand it). Person A is probably the prime example of an elitist and Person 1 is a prime example of an equalist.
Person A is a nice person. They bake cakes for special occasions, willing to loan you money when you go out to lunch for a going away party and you didn't bring any cash on you, stuff like that. However, when it comes to work delegation, Person A is a huge elitist. Person A loves to hand you work, even when it completely exists outside the bounds of your job description, existing in another dimension of existence in fact. Person A likes to walk into your office and start asking you, "Are you busy?" When you start to reply, "Yeah, I have enough to do..." Person A will immediately say, "Good. Now I have a project for you..." This begins the long and arduous process of Person A attempting to explain what he has in his head. I believe that Person A does not in fact speak English when he talks about his various projects. I believe he speaks an ancient language, long believed to be extinct, that he believes you should miraculously understand when he starts going over the various terms (called "legal jargon" in modern slang) in this language. Now some of the words in this ancient language are the exact same as the words in English. Such valuable words like, "the" and "and" and "you know what I mean?" By the time he's done orating in tongues, you smile, nod, and say, "I'll get on it when I have the time."
Now, since you have understood nothing of what Person A has said to your face, you decide to wait about 15 minutes and then you send him a written e-mail asking him to explain EXACTLY what he wants you to do. A work day later for you (which for me is Monday, Wednesday, or Friday) you get the response which, much to your delight, is written in English. However, much to your dismay, you read the e-mail and it is very vague and encompasses a very large topic. So you send a response back taking into account your interpretation of what was stated within the e-mail and you explain what you believe to be what Person A is asking of you. Another work day later you get the response that says, "Yes. That's good." So, you begin your work. You do all of the steps outlined in the project and you compile all the information needed and write up anything that needs to be written and you submit it to Person A. A week later he asks to meet with you face to face.
In this meeting, Person A then starts speaking that ancient language again, but you can only imagine that he's dissecting your work since there are a lot of pen marks on your written work and he points to it frequently. He ends some of his sentences with an upward inflection in his voice, which represents a question in English. So, you have to give a response, although you're just spewing random words, hoping they make sense. Person A apparently seemed satisfied with your response and keeps going over your work. After about half an hour he finally speaks his first sentence in English to say, "I don't think you got what I wanted out of this project." He then reverts back to his ancient language and after another 15 minutes he says, "So take it, revise it, and get it back to me." You then go back to your office, put it in a drawer somewhere, and forget it ever existed. Person A seems to forget it ever existed as well, but you try to avoid Person A as much as possible just in case he magically remembers.
Now Person 1 would have a different attitude towards this whole project. First off, Person 1 would not even want me to do such a long, arduous project based on instructions given in another language. Second, she would believe that such a project was outside of my scope of responsibility, and therefore not necessary for me to do. Person 1 constantly argues with Person A on what kind of work to give me. Person A will say that I should be proofreading contracts to make sure that he worded everything correctly. Person 1 will say that I shouldn't need to and that it is their work to do, not mine. If the wording of the contract is wrong, then it is their responsibility to fix it. Person 1 is an amazing person. She gives you work, but it's always work that's either "no rush," or fully within your responsibilities. And Person 1's definition of "no rush" is basically do it when you're bored out of your mind and you're resorting to writing blogs to pass the time. But it's okay for right now 'cause I'm on break.
Perhaps you have worked with such people in your office. Elitists and Equalists may be perfectly wonderful, amazing human beings outside of work, but within work they have different personalities. Elitists want to do as little work as possible while shoving as much work as possible in your face. Equalists are just that, they believe that they should share their own burden of the work, when possible, and give you what needs to be given. So, if you're in an office and you find yourself coming into contact with an elitist, do what I do: either run into the restroom or take the scenic route to wherever you're going, a scenic route that takes you into parts of the office that you've never been to before... on a different floor... in a different building...
Friday, April 25, 2008
Axle Envy
Whenever I drive on the road, I am constantly surrounded by, and often threatened to be crushed by, VOUS (Vehicles Of Unusual Sizes - rip-off from the Princess Bride, I know). I'm sure you know these vehicles. They are unmistakable. They are either vehicles that people refer to as "trucks" although their technical term should be, "'Roided up pick-ups." There are also some that are referred to as "SUVs" (which stands for Super Uber Vehicle-crushing-machine-that-doesn't-obey-nobody's-rules-but-their-own). There are also others that are regular cars, like the ones that you and I drive, but their owners decided that their car needed to be an extra 4 feet off the ground.
But really, it's not the car that I blame for all of my potential dangers while driving on the road. That would be like saying a plastic bag is the culprit of many toddler suffocation cases. While this statement is partially true, it is in fact, the toddler (or in the case of the cars, the driver) that causes the suffocation. The bag is merely the instrument that carries out the suffocation.
The people who drive VOUSs are a very particular breed of individual. While there are obvious exceptions to the generalizations I am making, I have made some very good observations about these people:
1) If the normal person's ego was the size of a house, then the VOUS driver's ego is the size of Jupiter, maybe larger.
2) The driver of a VOUS thinks that the sheer size of their vehicle makes up for the need to signal on the road. A blinking light doesn't say "I'm comin' in!" like the sight of a VOUS suddenly appearing in your lane 6 inches from your face.
3) VOUS drivers constantly feel the need to go from lane to lane in the hopes of getting to the red light one car ahead from where they were the red light before.
4) VOUS drivers have severe emotional issues.
5) VOUS drivers believe that any vehicle that has not been risen at least an additional 10 inches off the ground (assuming that your vehicle is not at least 2 feet off the ground already) is "un-American" and "un-patriotic" and "un-manly/womanly" and "is not what a real man/woman would drive."
6) VOUS drivers are completely oblivious to any other vehicle on the road, with the exception of other VOUS vehicles and diesel trucks, those being the only other vehicles they can see.
7) VOUS drivers believe that all traffic laws are on an "as you feel like it" basis with them. Their vehicle status gives them special privileges and everyone needs to respect that.
8) One parking space? Please, VOUSs get at least 2.
9) "Compact" means "I need to compact my 6-foot long, 6-foot wide vehicle into this space."
And this is just the list that I can come up with off the top of my head. I really could go on and on, but it would take too long. But honestly, how many people have experienced VOUS drivers who have these attributes? And we're not talking about the people who have VOUSs because they NEED them, they have them because they WANT them. They believe the perception of wealth is better than the accumulation of wealth. And they believe that having their VOUS gives them the image they're looking for. I don't know how many times I have been cut off by people in VOUSs, or have had people in a VOUS go into the merge-in lane while everyone else is waiting patiently in the normal lane to go through the intersection. Nor have I seen so many people unwilling to signal a lane change, nor have I seen so many people unwilling to look over their shoulder before changing lanes either. I try to avoid freeways as much as possible because of VOUS drivers.
And the one thing I'll never understand is how much that they can bitch about the price of gas when their VOUS's tank holds 100 gallons of gasoline and gets them 1 highway/0 city (borrowed from the Simpsons) miles per gallon. I once stopped at an intersection and saw 9 VOUSs parked 3 across and three deep. If I had my current cell phone back then, I would have taken a picture of it and put the caption beneath it saying, "Vehicle: $30,000-$50,000, Gas: $100+ a fill-up, DVDs for the trip: $250 + tax, Knowing you're contributing to high gas prices and global warming and not giving a damn: Priceless"
But the VOUS drivers are not the only people who exhibit this behavior. I have my "Theory of Inverse Horsepower Relations." The theory states as follows: "The more the horsepower, the smaller the id." So those people with tiny cars with an engine that has enough power to start towing the state of Rhode Island across the country also exhibit the same attributes. The only difference is that not only do these people not like to follow traffic laws, they like to go the speed of light while doing it. And it's so utterly ridiculous when you see some tiny BMW taking up 2 spaces in a parking lot because they feel their car is so precious that if a leaf were to touch it, their world would crumble and die. I sometimes get the urge to park over 2 spaces too, but right next to the idiot with their car, and get as close to their driver's side door as possible so they can't get in. But unfortunately for me, oftentimes these drivers are crafty and they park in a space that has a car to the left of their lefternmost parking spot, and I can't pull it off. It's no fun blocking the passenger side, especially when my driver's side door is over there. But one day... I'll have my revenge. And if that person threatens me, I'll use my indispensable car tool: The Club.
I say that we need to find a solution to these vehicles and their owners. We need to give them a state to call their own. A state where they already like fast cars and big trucks: a state like Alabama, Mississippi, or Texas. We'll let them hook up all of their towing materials to the boarders of the state and we'll let them tow it out into the ocean and form a new continent. And they can drive however they want all over that state and leave us normal drivers in peace. I think if we did this, national test scores would rise, driving safety would increase by at least 200%, crime would be down, the national debt would decrease, there would be no poverty, the housing crisis would take care of itself, and everyone would get a cool $1 billion in cash. If you're interested in this, please write your Congressperson as soon as possible.
But really, it's not the car that I blame for all of my potential dangers while driving on the road. That would be like saying a plastic bag is the culprit of many toddler suffocation cases. While this statement is partially true, it is in fact, the toddler (or in the case of the cars, the driver) that causes the suffocation. The bag is merely the instrument that carries out the suffocation.
The people who drive VOUSs are a very particular breed of individual. While there are obvious exceptions to the generalizations I am making, I have made some very good observations about these people:
1) If the normal person's ego was the size of a house, then the VOUS driver's ego is the size of Jupiter, maybe larger.
2) The driver of a VOUS thinks that the sheer size of their vehicle makes up for the need to signal on the road. A blinking light doesn't say "I'm comin' in!" like the sight of a VOUS suddenly appearing in your lane 6 inches from your face.
3) VOUS drivers constantly feel the need to go from lane to lane in the hopes of getting to the red light one car ahead from where they were the red light before.
4) VOUS drivers have severe emotional issues.
5) VOUS drivers believe that any vehicle that has not been risen at least an additional 10 inches off the ground (assuming that your vehicle is not at least 2 feet off the ground already) is "un-American" and "un-patriotic" and "un-manly/womanly" and "is not what a real man/woman would drive."
6) VOUS drivers are completely oblivious to any other vehicle on the road, with the exception of other VOUS vehicles and diesel trucks, those being the only other vehicles they can see.
7) VOUS drivers believe that all traffic laws are on an "as you feel like it" basis with them. Their vehicle status gives them special privileges and everyone needs to respect that.
8) One parking space? Please, VOUSs get at least 2.
9) "Compact" means "I need to compact my 6-foot long, 6-foot wide vehicle into this space."
And this is just the list that I can come up with off the top of my head. I really could go on and on, but it would take too long. But honestly, how many people have experienced VOUS drivers who have these attributes? And we're not talking about the people who have VOUSs because they NEED them, they have them because they WANT them. They believe the perception of wealth is better than the accumulation of wealth. And they believe that having their VOUS gives them the image they're looking for. I don't know how many times I have been cut off by people in VOUSs, or have had people in a VOUS go into the merge-in lane while everyone else is waiting patiently in the normal lane to go through the intersection. Nor have I seen so many people unwilling to signal a lane change, nor have I seen so many people unwilling to look over their shoulder before changing lanes either. I try to avoid freeways as much as possible because of VOUS drivers.
And the one thing I'll never understand is how much that they can bitch about the price of gas when their VOUS's tank holds 100 gallons of gasoline and gets them 1 highway/0 city (borrowed from the Simpsons) miles per gallon. I once stopped at an intersection and saw 9 VOUSs parked 3 across and three deep. If I had my current cell phone back then, I would have taken a picture of it and put the caption beneath it saying, "Vehicle: $30,000-$50,000, Gas: $100+ a fill-up, DVDs for the trip: $250 + tax, Knowing you're contributing to high gas prices and global warming and not giving a damn: Priceless"
But the VOUS drivers are not the only people who exhibit this behavior. I have my "Theory of Inverse Horsepower Relations." The theory states as follows: "The more the horsepower, the smaller the id." So those people with tiny cars with an engine that has enough power to start towing the state of Rhode Island across the country also exhibit the same attributes. The only difference is that not only do these people not like to follow traffic laws, they like to go the speed of light while doing it. And it's so utterly ridiculous when you see some tiny BMW taking up 2 spaces in a parking lot because they feel their car is so precious that if a leaf were to touch it, their world would crumble and die. I sometimes get the urge to park over 2 spaces too, but right next to the idiot with their car, and get as close to their driver's side door as possible so they can't get in. But unfortunately for me, oftentimes these drivers are crafty and they park in a space that has a car to the left of their lefternmost parking spot, and I can't pull it off. It's no fun blocking the passenger side, especially when my driver's side door is over there. But one day... I'll have my revenge. And if that person threatens me, I'll use my indispensable car tool: The Club.
I say that we need to find a solution to these vehicles and their owners. We need to give them a state to call their own. A state where they already like fast cars and big trucks: a state like Alabama, Mississippi, or Texas. We'll let them hook up all of their towing materials to the boarders of the state and we'll let them tow it out into the ocean and form a new continent. And they can drive however they want all over that state and leave us normal drivers in peace. I think if we did this, national test scores would rise, driving safety would increase by at least 200%, crime would be down, the national debt would decrease, there would be no poverty, the housing crisis would take care of itself, and everyone would get a cool $1 billion in cash. If you're interested in this, please write your Congressperson as soon as possible.
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