But really, it's not the car that I blame for all of my potential dangers while driving on the road. That would be like saying a plastic bag is the culprit of many toddler suffocation cases. While this statement is partially true, it is in fact, the toddler (or in the case of the cars, the driver) that causes the suffocation. The bag is merely the instrument that carries out the suffocation.
The people who drive VOUSs are a very particular breed of individual. While there are obvious exceptions to the generalizations I am making, I have made some very good observations about these people:
1) If the normal person's ego was the size of a house, then the VOUS driver's ego is the size of Jupiter, maybe larger.
2) The driver of a VOUS thinks that the sheer size of their vehicle makes up for the need to signal on the road. A blinking light doesn't say "I'm comin' in!" like the sight of a VOUS suddenly appearing in your lane 6 inches from your face.
3) VOUS drivers constantly feel the need to go from lane to lane in the hopes of getting to the red light one car ahead from where they were the red light before.
4) VOUS drivers have severe emotional issues.
5) VOUS drivers believe that any vehicle that has not been risen at least an additional 10 inches off the ground (assuming that your vehicle is not at least 2 feet off the ground already) is "un-American" and "un-patriotic" and "un-manly/womanly" and "is not what a real man/woman would drive."
6) VOUS drivers are completely oblivious to any other vehicle on the road, with the exception of other VOUS vehicles and diesel trucks, those being the only other vehicles they can see.
7) VOUS drivers believe that all traffic laws are on an "as you feel like it" basis with them. Their vehicle status gives them special privileges and everyone needs to respect that.
8) One parking space? Please, VOUSs get at least 2.
9) "Compact" means "I need to compact my 6-foot long, 6-foot wide vehicle into this space."
And this is just the list that I can come up with off the top of my head. I really could go on and on, but it would take too long. But honestly, how many people have experienced VOUS drivers who have these attributes? And we're not talking about the people who have VOUSs because they NEED them, they have them because they WANT them. They believe the perception of wealth is better than the accumulation of wealth. And they believe that having their VOUS gives them the image they're looking for. I don't know how many times I have been cut off by people in VOUSs, or have had people in a VOUS go into the merge-in lane while everyone else is waiting patiently in the normal lane to go through the intersection. Nor have I seen so many people unwilling to signal a lane change, nor have I seen so many people unwilling to look over their shoulder before changing lanes either. I try to avoid freeways as much as possible because of VOUS drivers.
And the one thing I'll never understand is how much that they can bitch about the price of gas when their VOUS's tank holds 100 gallons of gasoline and gets them 1 highway/0 city (borrowed from the Simpsons) miles per gallon. I once stopped at an intersection and saw 9 VOUSs parked 3 across and three deep. If I had my current cell phone back then, I would have taken a picture of it and put the caption beneath it saying, "Vehicle: $30,000-$50,000, Gas: $100+ a fill-up, DVDs for the trip: $250 + tax, Knowing you're contributing to high gas prices and global warming and not giving a damn: Priceless"
But the VOUS drivers are not the only people who exhibit this behavior. I have my "Theory of Inverse Horsepower Relations." The theory states as follows: "The more the horsepower, the smaller the id." So those people with tiny cars with an engine that has enough power to start towing the state of Rhode Island across the country also exhibit the same attributes. The only difference is that not only do these people not like to follow traffic laws, they like to go the speed of light while doing it. And it's so utterly ridiculous when you see some tiny BMW taking up 2 spaces in a parking lot because they feel their car is so precious that if a leaf were to touch it, their world would crumble and die. I sometimes get the urge to park over 2 spaces too, but right next to the idiot with their car, and get as close to their driver's side door as possible so they can't get in. But unfortunately for me, oftentimes these drivers are crafty and they park in a space that has a car to the left of their lefternmost parking spot, and I can't pull it off. It's no fun blocking the passenger side, especially when my driver's side door is over there. But one day... I'll have my revenge. And if that person threatens me, I'll use my indispensable car tool: The Club.
I say that we need to find a solution to these vehicles and their owners. We need to give them a state to call their own. A state where they already like fast cars and big trucks: a state like Alabama, Mississippi, or Texas. We'll let them hook up all of their towing materials to the boarders of the state and we'll let them tow it out into the ocean and form a new continent. And they can drive however they want all over that state and leave us normal drivers in peace. I think if we did this, national test scores would rise, driving safety would increase by at least 200%, crime would be down, the national debt would decrease, there would be no poverty, the housing crisis would take care of itself, and everyone would get a cool $1 billion in cash. If you're interested in this, please write your Congressperson as soon as possible.
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